The Non-Religious Wedding

Or, “What? Now that you’re getting married, you’re not finding religion?”

Here we go again with society's expectations of the white dress and church wedding, ad nauseam. You’ve probably caught on to the idea that we are into neither society nor expectations. We know, people tell you that your wedding doesn’t count unless it’s recognized in the eyes of God. Uh, wrong. Get married with nature as your witness. If you love each other and pledge your eternal love in a pasture full of cows, you still love each other and should feel every bit as married as if you said the same thing in front of a minister. Not that we are advocating the use of cows as wedding attendants or officiants, but you get the picture.

Utimately, your wedding is about your life, your beliefs, and who you are. And face it, more and more people are less and less religious. Whether you’re a confirmed atheist or just not particularly religious, a secular wedding can reflect your beliefs and your life while still being beautiful and—yes—spiritual. Your family and friends will be comforted to know that, you’re no longer “shacking up together”! The decision to have a secular wedding need not be divisive. Weddings in the glory of nature, in a place that holds personal meaning, or even in your own home, are becoming more and more commonplace, as are individualized ceremonies and personal vows. If you have a family member whose life is devoted to prosthelatizing to the non-converted, simply remind them to be tolerant and accept that your wedding choices hold important personal meanings. Getting married doesn’t change who you are; it fulfills who you are. Please remember that no one, not even family members, can force you to be a lemming.

A non-religious philosophy is just as valid as a religious philosophy. (Hey! That's not something you hear every day!) Your spiritual views are personal and private, whether they include omniscient being(s)—Flying Spaghetti Monsters, Invisible Pink Unicorns, Google, whatever—or not. And, said omniscient beings (or any of their representatives) need not be present at your ceremony. If you believe in some spiritual force in the universe, you can invite him/her/it within your heart, without tying that force to an institution you don’t believe in. Take this as an opportunity, not to repeat what others dictate, but to say what you really feel about each other without having to follow religious dogma or some pre-written liturgical template. Although some people will be shocked, even non-religious people fall in love and want to marry.

Where will you get married then, if not a church?

Once you escape the church idea, bountiful possibilities for your ceremony open up. A forest, a field, a castle, a boat, a funeral parlor, your own home, the setting of your favorite Hitchcock film... Your wedding becomes about what is meaningful to you. There are no requirements imposed by law for the content of your wedding ceremony, its location, or its relationship to tradition. You are the producer and director of this particular piece of performance art, so do it your way! A non-religious wedding may take a little more work, especially if you want to do away with all traces of religion, but it can be worth the effort to create a wedding that is uniquely your own.

An officiant, an officiant; my kingdom for an officiant.

If you want to do away with ceremony entirely and just get officially married for practical reasons, you can go to your local city hall for a justice-of-the-peace wedding. Along the same lines, some states allow Notary Publics to legalize a marriage. Many people rebel at this courthouse-style wedding. But it doesn’t mean you can’t still have your own full celebration elsewhere. It just means that the officiant at your ceremony doesn’t have to be a licensed anything! Your ceremony can be anything you wish, even the best party ever—and you know how we feel about parties! This can be a good way to go if you have someone special in mind as an officiant and want to circumvent legal requirements, making your personal celebration and your official act of marriage two totally different things.

Of course, a non-religious officiant can also come to your ceremony perform your wedding. Find out your state’s requirements for an officiant from the county courthouse. You can typically hire a judge, mayor, justice of the peace, or notary public, though you may need to work a bit to arrange your schedule. You may even be able to have a friend or family member authorized to perform the wedding. This can be the most meaningful and personal solution, if it is available in your jurisdiction. Another option is to be married elsewhere, at a destination where the officiant you want is legally available. See our links and resources page for information to help you find officiants.

If God doesn’t come to the wedding, what will we say?

There are no legal requirements for the content of your ceremony, except your agreement to become married. Say what is in your heart, what you feel. Speak of your unique and sacred love. With true love expressed meaningfully, chances are the vows will be so beautiful that no one will even notice that you didn’t invite God. (Er, sorry, God, it must’ve got lost in the mail...)

Look in poetry books, or even online, for appropriate readings—you don’t need passages from the Bible (or any religious book) unless that’s what you want. How about Shakespeare, Dickenson, or James Joyce? Er, or Star Trek or Rocky Horror? Your vows can be thought-provoking, creative, and dare we say, funny? Why not? If relationships don’t have a sense humor, they probably aren’t destined to last very long. Talk about your sacred bond and what it means to you both to be married. You can be very spiritual without once mentioning God or J. Edgar Hoover. There is a sense of freedom in not having to be bound by convention.

Many people are comfortable with creating marriage vows but balk at what to include in the rest of your ceremony. What will the officiant say? What parts of the traditional ceremony do we keep, if any? What else can we do? Think of your ceremony as an extension of your vows. Do what has personal meaning to you, and be as creative as you like. It can be simple and straightforward, or it can include special rituals you have designed for yourselves. Your guests will talk about and remember how unique, beautiful and wonderful it was to hear about love in your own personal words. Be in love, be joyous, and most importantly, be yourself!

Most officiants will work with you to have the ceremony that you want, using vows you have written. If you need help writing special vows or a ceremony that truly express your commitment and love, contact us.

i carry your heart with me,
i carry it in my heart and I'm never without it.
anywhere I go, you go, my dear.
and whatever is done, by only me, is your doing, my darling.
i fear no fear for you are my fate, my sweet.
I want no world for beautiful, you are my world my true.
it's you and whatever a moon has always meant,
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the tree called life
which grows higher and higher than the woul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that is keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart.

—e.e.cummings