The Context of the Wedding: Family, Friends, Society

Or, Weddings Are Culture.

It seems everyone has opinions about, and expectations for, your wedding. It’s not suprising. Weddings are societal. They’re a ritual passage to a new phase of life...a ritual of community. Well, we’re more complex than a single culture. We join multiple cultures together, explore new ways of living. We look at tradition and culture as broad concepts—and so we can choose to break away from them or to adhere to them. Still, your family, friends, and community all add to your wedding.

That’s a lot of input! And, it can get out of control very easily—who do you listen to, and to what extent? Pretty soon you’ve got more voices in your head than a paranoid schizophrenic on a bad hair day. Of course, you want to please your family and your friends, but how about yourself? Hello? Whose wedding is this anyway? And why in the world would we want to impress Martha Stewart with our “Good Things” wedding? Well, our answer is easy: In the immortal words of a guy named Shakespeare, “to thine own self be true.”

Your Culture Is Different Than Your Family’s Culture.

The world changes pretty fast, and children live in a different world than their parents. If you live a lifestyle considered by the mainstream to be alternative, chances are pretty good you’ve had to deal with these issues before. You’ve faced questions about your lovers, your home, your religious beliefs. Or maybe even, “why is your hair (insert color here), do you even own clothes that aren't black?” The society around you tries to define ‘normal’ for you: “Can’t you just be normal for ONE day???? Surely you've outgrown that phase by now?” or worse, “We can get you help.” *Audible sigh*

Well, we’ve got a news flash for mainstream society: There’s nothing special about “normal.” We’re not boring and mediocre, or lying to ourselves, and no, we’re probably not going to outgrow it or be “fixed.” From experience, we can tell you that if you go through an alleged phase long enough, your family will finally be worn down and ultimately accept that it’s a part of who you are. (Some of our families have been waiting 20+ years—trust us, they ultimately get it...or learn to live in denial.)

Every Wedding Is “Multi-Cultural.”

With a little creativity, you can fit some of your family’s expectations into your ceremony without betraying who you are. The more people understand about your particular subculture, the more accepting they tend to be. We’ve selected some books that can help you find out what you want and make decisions about your ceremony, vows, and rituals.

People tend to fear/hate the unknown. We know, you like to be the unknown. But if you want your family to join in your chosen celebration, now isn’t the best time to be mysterious. So educate them before your wedding day. Let them know how passionately you feel about your life choices, about your uniqueness, and what it means to you within the context of your life. If they are important enough in your life to be invited to this most special day, then chances are good they’ll “get it”—or at least they’ll try to. Start out with a conversation, listen to their suggestions and opinions with an open mind (some of them may even be pretty good). Then, put your own creative spin on their ideas. Let family members know you appreciate the help, but at the same time, keep the final decision making in your own hands.

The main point you really want everyone to realize is that your love is now going to be a proud public statement, and the uniqueness you both share is what made you fall in love in the first place. Your love is real and lasting—it’s eternal. Most families can’t help but be moved by the power of both your individuality and your love. Yes, your wedding might be a statement, but more importantly, it’s deep and personal, and it’s all about you.

Joy tends to be infectious, spread it around.